"Dude, your bed smells like weed. Oh, and I took of your Viagra."
"I don't have any Viagra."
"Well, I took whatever was on your dresser."
"...that's my allergy medication."
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A girl reading next to her friend on the lawn:
What part was I at? Ah oh well. I'll just skip to the end where they have sex.
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"I just don't understand. When it's cold and I wear leggings, I'm not warm enough. When it's hot out, I sweat my ass off."
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He does have nice hair, I like stroking his nice hair!
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Girl One: "I broke a nail yesterday so I'm going in for a manicure. Daddy won't be happy with two manicures in one week, but what am I supposed to do?!"
Girl Two: Nods head in approval
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professor is asking people to tell him what mesopotamians stored their food in.

Guy: tupperware?
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in an email from one of my teachers:

"Dear students, please do not come to class tomorrow. I'll be in my office working on the final exam. Teachers procrastinate too."
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"babe we dont have to use condoms anymore...they have this new invention called the morning after pill"
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My high friend at taco bell
Friend: "Can I get a number 7?"
Girl: "Chicken or steak?"
Friend: "I'm black...what do you think?"
Girl: "Umm...chicken?"
Friend: "Racist!! Nah I'm kidding chicken."
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girls standing in line at the dining hall

girl 1: "Yeahhh, he was from like Maryland or something."
girl 2: "Isn't that in like, Virginia or something?"
girl 1: " Yeah, I think so..."
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Guy driving down the street yelling at me and my girlfriend.
"LESBIANS!"
Why yes good sir we are.
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If you don't let me go back to you room, I'm gonna show everyone my vagina!
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His blunts are tight and brown, like my butthole
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Walking downtown: I'm looking for my son Nemo, P Sherman 42 Wallaby Way Sydney!
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